Tuesday, May 15, 2007

does it matter?

I guess what makes me a grown-up is that now people think what I do or say matters. Even though I am not sure half of what I say or do is really good for anything. Most of the times I am just copying other grown-ups I have come across. A lot of times I am copying teenagers I 've come across. A lot of times I am just trying to sound normal, you know, fit in. That's why I copy. Right? Isn't that why you copy your classmate's homework? To pass by a normal student?

A thought really just frightened me... since what I do now matters, then someone will eventually copy me? I am not sure I am copying material here.
Is it just me or are we all copying? Soooo! So the world is a big prented game and we're all playing grown-ups like we saw our grown-ups do before us!? And they... they were also playing pretend!? Oh, ok, I think I want my mommy now.

Let's go back

I've been reading about Paul mcCcartney and that somehow took me in a trip back to the past. Back to the little fiction novel I wrote about the Beatles some 15 years ago.

It's a little scary when I think about it... 15 years ago? I was 12. Has it really been that long? How come I don't feel that way? But when I really think about it, it has been that long. So much has happened. And the last 3 years of my life have been such a blur. Coming to the U.S. , leaving so much behind, did something to me. Something I am not sure I like. Time went by even faster! It goes by too fast when you're alone, I figure.

It is funny how I spent so many years trying to be a grown-up and now I feel like I am the same kid I have always been. And I enjoy that kid much more than the grown-up thing. And yet, it seems like I am indeed a grown-up to the rest of the world. ... gee, that's confusing.

I enjoy being silly, watching cartoons, going to Six Flags and Cedar Point, swinging in the swingset. I love telling jokes and eating popcorn, watching scary movies and going to the mall to watch people. Love talking silly and pretending "I am not your friend anymore". I am still the same kid that can only think about the food court as soon as I set foot at the mall, I still crave for attention but want to run away when all eyes are on me. Still intimidated by anyone older than 17, cuz they're all so much smarter than me! And thank goodness I have a boyfriend, cuz I am still cluesless about how to get one!

I guess what makes me a grown-up is that even though I still like all those things I can't do them as much bc so much stuff gets in the way now. All the stuff I've always wanted to be part of my life is now a big burden I have to deal with. For so long I longed for reality to free me from my world of dreams. Now I am locked up in reality and can't go back.

Life's worries sort of took the place of something I've always resorted to so often. There was a place I used to go to inside my mind filled with anything I wanted. I don't go there that often anymore. Quite honestly, I am not sure I can still open the door to that place. Absent-minded as I am I guess I locked the door with a huge lock to make sure nothing would do it harm, and I ended up losing the freaking key. I don't create much anymore. And reality is so boring, like and old black and white silent movie. Without Fantasia to resort to, it is pretty much the Kingdom of Nothing, where all kids die of boredom by 24.

I wish I was inside my book, so I could really go back in time.

Friday, May 11, 2007

the green is back

it took a while.
April had snow storms.
I was beginning to think Spring would never arrive.
but a couple of weeks ago I could finally see green dots on the tips of the trees branches. And the thermometer finally began to stabilize above 60 F.
yes, Spring is finally here.

I am glad winter is gone. it won't be missed.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Remembering Ayrton Senna da Silva

May 1st, 1994.
it was 13 years ago. it was Sunday. And on that morning something happened that would change my world. As well and the world of thousands of fellow Brazilians.
Our hero, Ayrton Senna died.
I can still re-live the moments of that tragic Sunday.
It was my first year living in Feira de Santana. I was at aunt Inaja's house. Getting ready for church with mom and my brother.
Like any other Sunday morning in which Senna had a race, i would get dressed in front of the TV.
And as I got dressed i saw the fatal crash.
I got upset. it hadn't been a good season for Senna so far. I remember announcing, "let's hope that Allan Proste crashes too."
But then a funny uncomfortable feeling began to spread within.
"Guys, why is there so much blood on the ground? Where are the doctors? Why is he not moving? Mom, he's not moving."

The doctors finally came; and then it was time to leave for church.
Well, I thought the doctors woudl take care of it, though I did think it was something serious by then, something that would probably ruin that year season.

Back at home for the whole afternoon we watched for newsflashes.
It was at around 5 pm that we heard a broken-hearted Globo TV reporter say "Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead - news I wish I never had to give - Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead."

And we cried.

That was it. The dream was over. Our hero, our myth, our idol was dead. If someone ever asks me for a landmark, this is it: "Ayrton Senna da Silva [the man who was proud of Brazil and made Brazil proud of him] is dead." And a whole way of organizing the world ended right there. My childhood ended right there. it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter with a few less dreams, and few more thoughts that life was not so magic or eternal after all. Now there was also death - and death was real.

13 years ago today. Sunday. We will never forget.