Each hour of this Sunday that goes by is one hour closer to my going back to work. It feels as the count down to my execution. And to think that I was so happy last Monday! (well, as happy as one can be when you're sick as a dog!) But I was so happy to think I had a whole week of vaca ahead of me. On Monday morning when I woke up and saw my husband sleeping - knowing that he had the day off as well, I thought "Yay! Monday! February break is starting!" Then on Tuesday, when I got up and saw my baby off to work, I thought to myself, "Yay! Tuesday! February break is just starting!"
Then Wednesday came. Oh! Oh! Oh! What happened there? Wednesday came and I woke up and saw my husband off to work again and thought, "Heck! It is freaking Wednesday already? Where the h**l has my freaking vacation gone?"
Then it was all downhill from there. I was planning to go into work on Friday just to get my classroom ready for Monday, but on Friday morning I thought, "H**l with it, I am enjoying each last minute of my vaca!"
Well, as we say in Brazil, "No evil is eternal and no good lasts forever." I'm sad to see it go... And I am seeing it go right now. Every minute that goes by is one less minute I have of vaca. Here! Did you see it??!! I can see it going here in the darn clock my computer screen! I can see the stupid idiotic time passing!
See, my favorite Calvin comic strip is the one in which he says, "I can never fully enjoy Sundays, because Mondays come afterward. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution." Calvin is just a poor student, I know. And I am the teacher.
The grown-up who's supposed to be responsible. But hey, no one said I had to like school to be a teacher. Or a grown-up. Or responsible for that matter. I never did like school anyway. True, I was good at it. After all, I was a teacher's grand-daughter. But I never liked it really. True, I had my favorite teachers. After all which child doesn't have them? But as for the ones I didn't like... poor teachers! I made their lives at work pretty infernal.
Now, I am the teacher. But I still don't like going to school. For different reasons now. Back then I didn't like doing homework and sitting down through hours of subjects that I considered useless, such as trigonometry and physics. Now all I can think of is that I have to go back to that germ factory, filled with little germ makers, all endowed with two hands and one uncontrollable desire to hug me.
AAAAAH! WHY DO THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH??? I DON'T KNOW!!! MAYBE THEY DON'T! MAYBE THEY HAVE A SECRET EVIL PLAN TO MAKE ME SICK SO I DON'T COME TO SCHOOL! Every time one of those little creature comes to hug me I feel like running away crying, "Unclean! Unclean!"
Other than endowed with arms and a desire to hug me, they don't seem to be endowed with anything else. By anything else, I mean the ability to learn anything meaningful at all. Can children learn? I mean, really, can children learn anything meaningful at all? How often during my day at work do I sit behind my desk and ask myself, "Does it even matter to anyone what I do here? Does it even matter? To anyone?"
Then, of course, the children have parents. Some times they are in jail. But sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they care about learning to speak English. But sometimes they don't. Sometimes they care about their children's school career. ... But sometimes they don't seem to care about absolutely anything in this whole world of our Lord, including their children's school career! And later they wonder why their children's grades are low and why aren't we doing anything! WE!? Ok. Does it even matter?
So, that's what I am going back to tomorrow - germ makers, unable to learn, and their parents who don't speak English, are often in jail, and don't care to help their own children succeed in school.
On top of that, I am supposed to be thankful! Yes, I am! Believe it or not. Well, first of all, thankful because the Book I have as a rule to my life says I must be thankful, period. So, I ask myself, "Why, Lord, do I have to be thankful?" (I do ask myself that, because I always hope the Lord will show me a bright side to my bleak view of reality. Reasons to be thankful for a job I am not necessarily happy about: Thankful that I have a job, unlike 8% (yeah, right! according to the government's twisted math) of the population. Thankful that I am not living paycheck to paycheck, unlike 75% of population. Thankful that I can take on extra hours (extra hours??? with the children??? What am I, crazy???) to make a savings account for a baby that my husband and I will probably try to make in a couple of years.
Well, ... that is, IF (big IF here) IF I decide it is really worth getting off the pill. Yes, the pill!!! The pill is so nice and cheap! Only $15 dollars every 3 months with my current insurance!!!... Do you know how much more than that a child will cost? Oh, believe me, a lot more! For life! Boy, oh, boy, do I want to get off the pill? Ever? And what for? To later wonder how I got myself into the 591 trap (5 minutes of pleasure, 9 months of waiting, 1 mouth to feed). ... Well, it is true that I usually get more than just 5 minutes of pleasure, but still, do I want to get off that pill? Anyway, how did I end up on this pill talk? Right now, even though I absolutely abhor going back to work, I still have plenty to be thankful for. So I am trying to suck up my frustrations and show up at work with a smile and whatever is left of that patience people say I have...
Have a happy week, everyone!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I guess what bugs me the most about the idea of having children is that they will have such a different life than the one I had. Unless for some reason that is not in our horizon now, Dean and I move to Brazil before we decide to have children of our own, my children will grow up in a reality that is completely foreign to the one I grew up in. My country, my culture, all the things I hold dear! All the things that made me who I am today. Our songs, our stories, our legends, our games! Our food, our weather, our beaches! Our passions, our dislikes! Our language sing-song! Our very unique way to understand the world. And my family's traditions! Those little everyday traditions that we don't even realize we have until we meet other families and perceive how different they are! How can I rob the children I want to have someday of all of that? There's so much in Brazil that I disapprove of! But there is so much that I love! And while the things that I disapprove have made me leave, in search of better living conditions; not having the things I love makes every day of my life a little incomplete, a little less happy than what it should be. Part of me is missing. Part of me was left behind in the land that gave me life and a childhood. Those things will always be with me, it doesn't matter how far I travel. I will always be Brazilian. It doesn't matter how far away I am. It doesn't matter how many years I live in America. I will always be Brazilian. If I have children someday, will they be able to say the same? It scares me to think the answer might be no.