Friday, October 05, 2007

My prayer

I ask god for my health because of those who love me, not so much because of me.
Everytime I go out to work, everytime I feel something hurting, I just think of the people that care about me, and that would feel so much if they could never see me again.
I know I am now immortal, though I wish I can outlive anyone that will cry for me. I think of my mom... my 3 other moms, my little brother who idolizes me for some unknown reason, my big brother who cares in a very particular way, and my boyfriend - who drove 4 hours a day for 2 whole weeks when I was at the hospital.
Whenever I am driving, or taking the train, or walking on the dark, whenever I feel any sort of unidentified pain, it's for them that I worry. And it is for them that I pray. Please God, keep me safe so that my brother won't cry, and so my mom can talk to me just one more time, so that my boyfriend won't suffer for losing me. I am not important to anyone else, but to them I am so dear - I don't want to cause them this pain. I don't ask so much for me. but for them. I know if I die I will be with you, but being so far from the ones who love me, I just want them to know they can talk to me and see me, and that I am safe.
Keep them safe too. And this I ask for me. Because I love them so much, I don't want bad things to happen to them. Please, keep us safe, so we can see each other once more, and happy and healthy.

Friday, September 07, 2007

it was 11 years ago today.

11 years ago
I lived in Feira de Santana
I was in my last year of high school
I was 17 and I had so many dreams.
And on this day I was going to Sao Rafael hospital, dressed in one of my favorite dresses, after making sure the new baby's room was ready for him.
11 years ago, that little kid entered my life, stole my heart away.
11 years have gone by - baby, toddler, little boy. 11 years ago he was born. Now he is almost a teenager. it is so hard to believe it.

big crush

Big news is Renee Zellweger has a
big crush on Paul McCartney and she is so
big time embarrassed of saying it!
Big deal! I also have a
big crush on Paul. Who
big-freaking doesn't ?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

does it matter?

I guess what makes me a grown-up is that now people think what I do or say matters. Even though I am not sure half of what I say or do is really good for anything. Most of the times I am just copying other grown-ups I have come across. A lot of times I am copying teenagers I 've come across. A lot of times I am just trying to sound normal, you know, fit in. That's why I copy. Right? Isn't that why you copy your classmate's homework? To pass by a normal student?

A thought really just frightened me... since what I do now matters, then someone will eventually copy me? I am not sure I am copying material here.
Is it just me or are we all copying? Soooo! So the world is a big prented game and we're all playing grown-ups like we saw our grown-ups do before us!? And they... they were also playing pretend!? Oh, ok, I think I want my mommy now.

Let's go back

I've been reading about Paul mcCcartney and that somehow took me in a trip back to the past. Back to the little fiction novel I wrote about the Beatles some 15 years ago.

It's a little scary when I think about it... 15 years ago? I was 12. Has it really been that long? How come I don't feel that way? But when I really think about it, it has been that long. So much has happened. And the last 3 years of my life have been such a blur. Coming to the U.S. , leaving so much behind, did something to me. Something I am not sure I like. Time went by even faster! It goes by too fast when you're alone, I figure.

It is funny how I spent so many years trying to be a grown-up and now I feel like I am the same kid I have always been. And I enjoy that kid much more than the grown-up thing. And yet, it seems like I am indeed a grown-up to the rest of the world. ... gee, that's confusing.

I enjoy being silly, watching cartoons, going to Six Flags and Cedar Point, swinging in the swingset. I love telling jokes and eating popcorn, watching scary movies and going to the mall to watch people. Love talking silly and pretending "I am not your friend anymore". I am still the same kid that can only think about the food court as soon as I set foot at the mall, I still crave for attention but want to run away when all eyes are on me. Still intimidated by anyone older than 17, cuz they're all so much smarter than me! And thank goodness I have a boyfriend, cuz I am still cluesless about how to get one!

I guess what makes me a grown-up is that even though I still like all those things I can't do them as much bc so much stuff gets in the way now. All the stuff I've always wanted to be part of my life is now a big burden I have to deal with. For so long I longed for reality to free me from my world of dreams. Now I am locked up in reality and can't go back.

Life's worries sort of took the place of something I've always resorted to so often. There was a place I used to go to inside my mind filled with anything I wanted. I don't go there that often anymore. Quite honestly, I am not sure I can still open the door to that place. Absent-minded as I am I guess I locked the door with a huge lock to make sure nothing would do it harm, and I ended up losing the freaking key. I don't create much anymore. And reality is so boring, like and old black and white silent movie. Without Fantasia to resort to, it is pretty much the Kingdom of Nothing, where all kids die of boredom by 24.

I wish I was inside my book, so I could really go back in time.

Friday, May 11, 2007

the green is back

it took a while.
April had snow storms.
I was beginning to think Spring would never arrive.
but a couple of weeks ago I could finally see green dots on the tips of the trees branches. And the thermometer finally began to stabilize above 60 F.
yes, Spring is finally here.

I am glad winter is gone. it won't be missed.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Remembering Ayrton Senna da Silva

May 1st, 1994.
it was 13 years ago. it was Sunday. And on that morning something happened that would change my world. As well and the world of thousands of fellow Brazilians.
Our hero, Ayrton Senna died.
I can still re-live the moments of that tragic Sunday.
It was my first year living in Feira de Santana. I was at aunt Inaja's house. Getting ready for church with mom and my brother.
Like any other Sunday morning in which Senna had a race, i would get dressed in front of the TV.
And as I got dressed i saw the fatal crash.
I got upset. it hadn't been a good season for Senna so far. I remember announcing, "let's hope that Allan Proste crashes too."
But then a funny uncomfortable feeling began to spread within.
"Guys, why is there so much blood on the ground? Where are the doctors? Why is he not moving? Mom, he's not moving."

The doctors finally came; and then it was time to leave for church.
Well, I thought the doctors woudl take care of it, though I did think it was something serious by then, something that would probably ruin that year season.

Back at home for the whole afternoon we watched for newsflashes.
It was at around 5 pm that we heard a broken-hearted Globo TV reporter say "Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead - news I wish I never had to give - Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead."

And we cried.

That was it. The dream was over. Our hero, our myth, our idol was dead. If someone ever asks me for a landmark, this is it: "Ayrton Senna da Silva [the man who was proud of Brazil and made Brazil proud of him] is dead." And a whole way of organizing the world ended right there. My childhood ended right there. it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter with a few less dreams, and few more thoughts that life was not so magic or eternal after all. Now there was also death - and death was real.

13 years ago today. Sunday. We will never forget.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Dragged to death

I can't find words. I can't let go either. What happened so deeply attacks my humanity that I just can't help feeling robbed of something very precious. Maybe dignity. I lay my head on the pillow and I can't fall asleep. I wish I could never smile again. How can we have gone so low?

All I can say is that I do not have the words to describe such monstrosity. Or how I am feeling now. A couple of teenagers carjacked a family in Rio, but only the mother and her 12 year-old girl were able to leave the car. The little 6 year old boy got stuck to the seat belt, on the outside of the car. The monsters zigzagged the car for about 4 miles, dragging the little kid along, in an attempt to get rid of him, only to abandon the car and the boy's lifeless body in some deserted road and run away.

It has been reported that passers-by and drivers yelled and honked at them begging them to stop the car, but, of course, in vain.

"Lord God of the disfavored, " making mine poet Castro Alves' words, "tell me, Lord God, if is madness... or is it true so much horror under the heavens."

It's 3 am. I can't sleep tonight. I can't get my mind off of the terrible moments that mother and sister went through, feeling so completely powerless and torn. Or off of the horror that little boy went through on the seconds before his death. And off of those monsters! I hope they die a very cruel death in jail. Because even criminals have moral standards that are attacked by such atrocity.

How can anyone kill a defenseless child is already hard to understand. How can anyone drag a little boy to death, not for revenge or any thing that would make it explainable. Bad enough but explainable. But to rob a car. How can respect for human life have fallen so far down the pit!

The freaks, the monsters, they been caught. They will go to jail. And thanks to the 1001 flaws in our judicial system, they will be out in no longer than 6 years, maybe as little as 3. One of them, under-aged, is protected by so many laws and will be out in the streets again by the time he is 20, his whole life ahead of him, a mind filled with hatred and all the tricks learned at the juvenile hall.

Little 6 y.o. Joao Fernandes will never see the sunrise again. His mom will never hear his voice again, never able to hug him or feel his little hand in hers. Never even able to be angry at him for some foolish boyish misbehavior. She will never see her son grown up, because he no longer exists. And those awful moments will forever be in her mind. The bitter feeling of not being able to do anything as you watch your child die.

My mom and I have been mugged once and dragged down the hill that lead to our condo. I still remember the feeling of panic. It's dark, you heart pumping super fast, not knowing what will happen next, your worst fears can't find a way to express themselves, you try to scream but nothing comes out of your mouth! A second ago everything was fine. And then you watch them run away with your pocket book. Thank God, we're alive.

Last Wednesday night, I can only imagine, those familiar feelings of mine were the same shared by the Fernandes family. But their worst fears did come true.

As his coffin went down, yesterday afternoon, at Jardim da Saudade graveyard, his sister could not help the words, "I am sorry I could not save you, brother."

When we talk about total depravity at church, i always think of lies, sexual impurity, drugs and robbery. you would wish even the worst human being would still be careful towards a little child, or a defenseless family. It feels like there should be a limit, and yet, you come across things like that.

.... And yet, God loved us.

------ In Portuguese:

Não consigo achar as palavras. Nem tampouco consigo esquecer. O ocorrido tão profundamente ataca minha humanidade que não posso evitar sentir-me roubada de algo muito precioso. Dignidade talvez. Deito minha cabeça no travesseiro e não consigo adormecer. Queria jamais poder sorri novamente. Como podemos ter chegado tão baixo?

Tudo que posso dizer é que não tenho palavras para descrever tamanha monstruosidade. Ou como estou me sentindo agora. Dois adolescentes roubaram o carro de uma família no Rio, mas apenas a mãe e sua filha de 13 anos conseguiram sair do carro. O garotinho de 6 anos ficou preso ao sinto de segurança pelo lado de fora do carro. Os monstros ziguezaguearam com o carro por cerca de 7 QUILÔMETROS, arrastando a criança com eles, na tentativa de livraram-se dela, para simplesmente abandonar o carro e o corpo sem vida da criança, logo depois numa rua deserta e fugirem.

Foi reportado que transeuntes e motoristas gritavam e buzinavam implorando para que eles parassem, mas, obviamente, em vão.

"Senhor Deus dos Desgraçados, " faço minhas as palavras do poeta, "dizei-me vós, Senhor Deus, se é loucura... ou se é verdade tanto horror perante os céus."

São 3 da manhã. Não consigo dormir. Não consigo tirar a cabeça dos terríveis momentos que aquela mãe e irmã viveram, sentido-se tão impotentes de roubadas. Ou do horror pelo qual passou aquele menininho nos segundos que antecederam sua morte. Nem daqueles monstros! Espero que eles morram uma morte bem cruel na cadeia. POrque mesmo criminosos tem padrões morais que foram atacados por tal atrocidade.

Já é difícil de entender como alguém pode matar uma criança indefesa. Como alguém pode arrastar um garotinho até a morte, não por vingança ou algo assim, que fizesse a coisa ao menos explicável. Muito ruim, mas explicável. Mas para roubar um carro! Como pode o respeito pela vida humana ter caído tão fundo nesse poço?

As aberrações, os monstros, foram presos. Irão para a prisão. Mas graças às 1001 falhas do nosso sistema judicial, estarão nas ruas em não mais de 6 anos, talvez até mesmo em 3. Um deles, menor, é protegido por um sem-número de leis e estará de volta às ruas antes dos 20, com tuoda sua vida pela frente, uma mente cheia de ódio e todas as artimanhas aprendidas no reformatório.

O pequeno João Fernandes nunca mais verá o sol nascer. Sua mãe jamais ouvirá sua voz outra vez, jamais poderá abraça-lo ou sentir sua mãozinha na dela. Jamais poderá sequer ficar aborrecida com ele por alguma desobediência boba de menino. Ela nunca verá seu filho crescer, pois ele não mais existe. E aqueles momentos horríveis estarão para sempre em sua mente. O amargo sentimento de não poder fazer nada ao assistir seu filho morrer.

Minha mãe e eu fomos assaltadas certa vez, e arrastadas na ladeira que levava a nosso apartamento. Ainda lembro o sentimento de pânico. Está escuro, seu coração a mil por hora, sem saber o que vai acontecer em seguida, seus medos mais terríveis não conseguem se expressar, você tenta gritar mas nada sai de sua boca! A um segundo atrás estava tudo bem. E então você os vê correndo com sua bolsa. Graças a Deus, estamos vivas.

Quarta passada, posso apenas imaginar, aqueles sentimentos conhecidos foram compartilhados pela família Fernandes. Mas seus piores medos tornaram-se reais.

Ao ver seu caixão descer, ontem a tarde no Jardim da Saudade no Rio, sua irmão não pode evitar as palavras, "Desculpa não ter podido te salvar, irmão."

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

when there was me and you

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you