Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Let's go back

I've been reading about Paul mcCcartney and that somehow took me in a trip back to the past. Back to the little fiction novel I wrote about the Beatles some 15 years ago.

It's a little scary when I think about it... 15 years ago? I was 12. Has it really been that long? How come I don't feel that way? But when I really think about it, it has been that long. So much has happened. And the last 3 years of my life have been such a blur. Coming to the U.S. , leaving so much behind, did something to me. Something I am not sure I like. Time went by even faster! It goes by too fast when you're alone, I figure.

It is funny how I spent so many years trying to be a grown-up and now I feel like I am the same kid I have always been. And I enjoy that kid much more than the grown-up thing. And yet, it seems like I am indeed a grown-up to the rest of the world. ... gee, that's confusing.

I enjoy being silly, watching cartoons, going to Six Flags and Cedar Point, swinging in the swingset. I love telling jokes and eating popcorn, watching scary movies and going to the mall to watch people. Love talking silly and pretending "I am not your friend anymore". I am still the same kid that can only think about the food court as soon as I set foot at the mall, I still crave for attention but want to run away when all eyes are on me. Still intimidated by anyone older than 17, cuz they're all so much smarter than me! And thank goodness I have a boyfriend, cuz I am still cluesless about how to get one!

I guess what makes me a grown-up is that even though I still like all those things I can't do them as much bc so much stuff gets in the way now. All the stuff I've always wanted to be part of my life is now a big burden I have to deal with. For so long I longed for reality to free me from my world of dreams. Now I am locked up in reality and can't go back.

Life's worries sort of took the place of something I've always resorted to so often. There was a place I used to go to inside my mind filled with anything I wanted. I don't go there that often anymore. Quite honestly, I am not sure I can still open the door to that place. Absent-minded as I am I guess I locked the door with a huge lock to make sure nothing would do it harm, and I ended up losing the freaking key. I don't create much anymore. And reality is so boring, like and old black and white silent movie. Without Fantasia to resort to, it is pretty much the Kingdom of Nothing, where all kids die of boredom by 24.

I wish I was inside my book, so I could really go back in time.

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