I suppose it might sound strange for a Christian to say that she is afraid of dying.
So I guess I need to clarify.
I like being alive. That's how God made me.
What am I really afraid of?
I'm not sure whether I am afraid of dying or of getting old. Maybe neither.
I am afraid of time maybe. I guess I am afraid of the fact that our time is so short, and I don't want to waste it. In my mind I still feel like I am 14. Sometimes I even feel like I am less smart than most 14-year-olds, but then again, when have I have been smarter than anyone over 14? I feel like I will be 84 and still feel the same way. If I get to be 84.
I am afraid of what I don't know. They say we are afraid of the unknown. Well, I don't know what it's like to die, but I suppose there is a lot of pain involved.
I am afraid of pain. You have no idea. I have very little tolerance for pain. I am not sure why I was born a woman, since women supposedly have more tolerance for pain. I have always been a chicken. I was afraid of getting my first period, because I was told I would bleed. I was afraid sex would hurt, and that terrified me, because if there was one thing I really wanted when I was a virgin was to have sex. I am terrified of the day I find out I am pregnant because that baby will have to come out somehow.
So it's the ailments that scare me. That ailments of life.
Most of us will die of cancer, heart disease or some freaky accident.
When I was a kid I always thought I could die of some freaky accident - like falling down the elevator shaft or shot on a bus robbery. But why stop there? Car accidents, kitchen accidents (I did almost cut my finger off with a knife last year), slippery bath tub accidents (yes, I look at the bath tub and all I see are ways I could get myself badly hurt; that's why I keep the bathtub so squeaky clean), fire accidents.
Not only accidents. I have been paying more attention to how people die. Cancer kills a lot of people. Then there is heart disease. A young couple died of a heart attack the first time they had sex. So now I don't think only of freaky accidents, I also think cancer and heart disease. Then there is food poison and medical errors.
All of these mean one thing - pain. I watch a TV show called Bones, and they make very vivid descriptions of what happens to the body when people die in freaky ways. They all sound painful.
Then there is the ailments of old age. I had a teacher who used to say, if you don't die at a young age, old age will do it. Aging also does things to your body. And there you go thinking you're 14, next thing you know you've got Alzheimer's, or dementia, or something freaky like that.
What happens to our bodies when we die? What do we feel? Do we have time to regret all the things we didn't do?