Now I Know

So all this time I thought you were my friend.

Now I know you were really just showing off to a faceless, soul-less name on a screen. 

Just that you forgot that on the other side of that screen was a real person - flesh, blood, and a beating heart. Even worse - you actually knew me in real life. Even though you tried to convince yourself and me of the opposite, I wasn’t someone you met on social media. We were just using it to stay in touch ... or so I thought. 

But, hey, you don’t even remember who I am, do ya?

Now I know that you were actually just putting on a social media mask (a mask which you now claim to despise) to make you look good ... to me? Or to yourself? ... Not to me.

Now I know you never saw me as a person - much less as a friend. I was just a “distraction” from your “real life”. Your words, not mine. I am not sure what they mean. How could I not see that our friendship was "non-existent", because you need your friendships to be "authentic." What the hell do those words mean? 

Just that you were real to me. You were kind of a big deal to me. Because you were the first real friend I made in a long time. When you told me about your goals, your values, your family - I cheered for you. When I thought you were hurting, I wanted to help and listened to your complaints. When several times you promised a gettogether with our families, I believed you. Why shouldn’t I? And I believed you cared to know about my life, my husband’s ideals, my babies’ stories.

It isn’t personal, you said. Well, see: Quitting a job isn’t personal. Not talking to a stranger isn’t personal. 

However, telling someone who trusted when you said “we’re friends” that such friendship never existed... that, my dear, is far from “not personal”. 

Questioning what my “intentions” are is pretty darn personal. 

And (the icing on the cake) describing a friendship (which from the very start and all the way through was meant to be extended to our kids and spouses, as we both planned many many times) as “a married woman pursuing another woman’s man” is very much personal ... and cruel. Who the hell are you? "People change"? Really?

You told me you’re usually the one getting hurt by others. Well, when I told you I was hurting, you pushed me away and did not want to talk to me. So congratulations! This time it was you who got someone hurt. Hope you’re proud of yourself.