Monday, May 31, 2010

Was I so naive?

Was I just so naive to think that our friendship could have survived the test of time? Was I just stupid enough to believe that she's actually normal?
It's upsetting to think that the friendship to which I wrote so many poems as a teenager is not as invincible as once thought.
Do I think I am perfect? No! Of course not!
Do I have some extent of ADD? Probably. I do get distracted fairly easily. And I do tend to multitask incessantly and almost obsessively.
But have I ever been careless about our friendship?! Who?! Me?! I don't think so.
I never listen without interrupting, she says. I never listen without interrupting? I have been accused of not listening attentively my whole entire life. And then I decided to stop and think through every time I have been accused of not listening properly.
Usually the following scenarios:
a) She's pouring her heart out to me right after church, when all my friends, including the guy I am trying to impress are coming out of the sanctuary. So I'm not listening to her bc I am too busy trying to talk to everyone else. Well, maybe, and just maybe, the time for confidentiality is not quite right.
b) We are spending time together, each one of us with a number of things we each want to share. She gets to do the whole talking - about herself and myself, for about 2 hours. So I eventually stop listening, bc I am tired of not having a chance to say anything I need to say. How many times have I gotten back home after spending a day together, feeling that I just served as a shoulder to cry, and no one really cared to find out about my own feelings. "Friendship is a two-way road," she says. Maybe she should take her own advice. Just maybe.
From day one when our friendship began, I was always the crying-shoulder. It was always about her pouring her feelings out, or should I say dumping her feelings out on me.

All through our entire lives it's been like that. She talks, and talks, and talks. And when she's done, she'd talk some more. She was never really done talking. She'd talk even when it was my turn to do the talking. On MY WEDDING PREP. Did she ever even bother to hear what I wanted to do? No. Of course not! She had to talk it through - and determine how I should want my wedding to be.
"Of course I am upset that you have to teach!Why did you say 'hello' if you had no time to talk?"
No surprise she is upset! She is upset that I am not there to hear her cries. Because, really, this is the first person ever to tell me she's upset because I say hello when I have no time to chat!!!!
This is just ridiculous. No, not just annoying - ridiculous!
You know, maybe, and just maybe, she's just really upset with the fact that her engagement is over. Maybe, and just maybe, she's saying that because she really does not know what to do, or who to blame for having lost all the hope she had built up of building a life together with that man. Maybe she does not really mean the things she said.
So I will wait. I will wait and not say anything anymore so things don't get any worse. When she is ready, if she is ever ready, she will talk to me as if nothing had ever happened.
If she is never ready, than maybe our friendship was never really worth that much to start with. And I was really just so naive to think that time, distance, and men could never destroy what we had together.

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