Sunday, November 22, 2009
summer - where are you?
it is 5:30 in the afternoon and it is dark already. that is so sad. I wonder if summer will ever come again.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
the leaves on the trees
Beauty in all its majesty - Autumn above the 23.5 latitude lines. The storm of colors that the tree leaves turn into; the beautiful multicolored crocheted blankets that cover the ground while the leaves fall; the briefness of it all.
It is sad to think of what such a symphony of awe announces - bitter-cold temperatures and death-like landscapes for the next 4 to 5 months. But I want to enjoy it while it lasts.
Science explains it, but it was God who set it all up, with providence in mind I assume, to glorify his name most of all, but definitely willing to give us a high-tech show of color, of which the human eye can never get enough.
It is sad to think of what such a symphony of awe announces - bitter-cold temperatures and death-like landscapes for the next 4 to 5 months. But I want to enjoy it while it lasts.
Science explains it, but it was God who set it all up, with providence in mind I assume, to glorify his name most of all, but definitely willing to give us a high-tech show of color, of which the human eye can never get enough.
Count your blessings
I wish I could be able to to make the people I love as happy as the feeling of love and admiration I have for them. I wish I could give them all they deserve. I wish they could feed off the knowledge of everything they are and never have one sad or boring day again. Just because they deserve to be recognized. And I wish each word of recognition was forever in front of them as an eternal memorial of the great people they are. The more I look at them, and think about them, and the more I compare them to this other person (myself), the more I want to tell them that they are greater than life, they are God's crown of creation, they are God's most amazing work of art. Three people are the ones who today I wish could live life all over again with one difference, everyone should give them the honor they deserve: My grandmother, my mother, my husband.
My grandmother - all too often that is all she ever was in my mind - my grandmother. She is so much more than that. She is a strong woman who one day became a mom and a grandma. I never had the pleasure to know the person she became from a little girl growing up in the late 30's and early 40's. Just as grandma in the 80's. But the more I know about her other life, the more I admire her as the woman she grew up to be one day. She had her youth dreams that I might never be able to hear about. She was married and widowed twice. She knew and dealt with love, disappointment and pain as a woman. She saw her children and grandchildren grow up and give themselves airs of know-it-all. She saw and argued the decisions they took that she felt were not the best. She was a girl watching her offspring develop into grown-ups. And her fears and hopes had to play a part in it, because she did have fears and hopes about those new people that came into her life, in the fullness of her young adult years. And so often, we, her offspring, looked at her as just mom or grandma, never as the person whose life was invaded but those little people she cared for and were running out of her control, making the life she hoped for them not exactly the way she once dreamed. And ignoring even that she was a real person. Ignoring even that she had her own dreams, fulfilled or unfulfilled. She knew by then a lot about her life that none of us knew about ours or hers. We so often forget that she is someone we might never fully know. She was someone we never met, someone she so often pushed aside to meet our needs and demands.
My mother - I can say the same thing about her. I wonder if strength of character is hereditary. My mom is a fighter. Now that I am as old as I remember herself being when I was a child, I can't help but thinking how everything came to be in her life. Life, of which I am just a piece, not, never, its center, even though she made it all about my siblings and me. She had a life before us that included just as many dreams or more than the ones I had, just as many media stars or more than the ones I had, just as many super BFFs or more as I had, as much drama or more than what I had. When she became a mom, her life went on, and all those things that were part of it, might have been overcast by her children. She was still the woman who lived that life, and her character, and her likes and dislikes, and her fears, and her experiences, they were all still there, making up the woman who now also was a mom, worker, ex-wife, daughter. Not, never, perfect. But with a strength of character bigger than the world. Just like her mom. Just like her mom, how often does her offspring recognizes her as a woman and not as mom? As a full person and not as only one social role she took upon herself to fulfill? Mom, a choice she made still as a teenager to be one of her goals in life, is still ONE choice, that SHE made, to be ONE OF her goals in LIFE. And we, as little self-centered kitties, never bother to see beyond that caregiver. We are all too involved in making sure that she gets what we need.
My husband - inevitably I look at what is wrong with him, what he is lacking, why can't he be more the way I think he should be. Inevitably I want him to live up to the standards I chose to be the ones that must be met. Yes, I thnk my standards are imporant. Yes, I am a thinking caring human being who loves that person and wants that person to be the best he can be. Yes, I have his best interest in mind and yes, his best interest is permeated by my ideals of what is good and why. So no, I don't think I am an awful person for setting standards I wish he would meet. But inevitably I learn how wrong I am about his complete inability to do what is right, loving, caring and responsible. Inevitably I see, through little windows that sometimes my brain opens, each and every little thing he does for our house, our family, our well-being, and even for the people we know. Inevitably I see through those windows, the feelings that I usually don't take the time to consider when deciding what I think is best for him. Haven't I always done that? Those windows often make me realize (not often enough) that the man I am so quick to judge in a negative light is the one without whom my life would spin out of control in ways I can't imagine. He is not a mirror image of me, nor should he be. He is not perfect, nor could he be. He and I might disagree in a number of ways what are the top priorities, but if we were just at agreement all the time, some things would just never get done, some subjects would never be talked about, we would not by any means make each other's life better, we would be nothing but shadows of each other, keeping each other company. He is a man that not only tries to make what is right for himself, but who is always looking out for us, and doing so with incessant love.
My grandmother - all too often that is all she ever was in my mind - my grandmother. She is so much more than that. She is a strong woman who one day became a mom and a grandma. I never had the pleasure to know the person she became from a little girl growing up in the late 30's and early 40's. Just as grandma in the 80's. But the more I know about her other life, the more I admire her as the woman she grew up to be one day. She had her youth dreams that I might never be able to hear about. She was married and widowed twice. She knew and dealt with love, disappointment and pain as a woman. She saw her children and grandchildren grow up and give themselves airs of know-it-all. She saw and argued the decisions they took that she felt were not the best. She was a girl watching her offspring develop into grown-ups. And her fears and hopes had to play a part in it, because she did have fears and hopes about those new people that came into her life, in the fullness of her young adult years. And so often, we, her offspring, looked at her as just mom or grandma, never as the person whose life was invaded but those little people she cared for and were running out of her control, making the life she hoped for them not exactly the way she once dreamed. And ignoring even that she was a real person. Ignoring even that she had her own dreams, fulfilled or unfulfilled. She knew by then a lot about her life that none of us knew about ours or hers. We so often forget that she is someone we might never fully know. She was someone we never met, someone she so often pushed aside to meet our needs and demands.
My mother - I can say the same thing about her. I wonder if strength of character is hereditary. My mom is a fighter. Now that I am as old as I remember herself being when I was a child, I can't help but thinking how everything came to be in her life. Life, of which I am just a piece, not, never, its center, even though she made it all about my siblings and me. She had a life before us that included just as many dreams or more than the ones I had, just as many media stars or more than the ones I had, just as many super BFFs or more as I had, as much drama or more than what I had. When she became a mom, her life went on, and all those things that were part of it, might have been overcast by her children. She was still the woman who lived that life, and her character, and her likes and dislikes, and her fears, and her experiences, they were all still there, making up the woman who now also was a mom, worker, ex-wife, daughter. Not, never, perfect. But with a strength of character bigger than the world. Just like her mom. Just like her mom, how often does her offspring recognizes her as a woman and not as mom? As a full person and not as only one social role she took upon herself to fulfill? Mom, a choice she made still as a teenager to be one of her goals in life, is still ONE choice, that SHE made, to be ONE OF her goals in LIFE. And we, as little self-centered kitties, never bother to see beyond that caregiver. We are all too involved in making sure that she gets what we need.
My husband - inevitably I look at what is wrong with him, what he is lacking, why can't he be more the way I think he should be. Inevitably I want him to live up to the standards I chose to be the ones that must be met. Yes, I thnk my standards are imporant. Yes, I am a thinking caring human being who loves that person and wants that person to be the best he can be. Yes, I have his best interest in mind and yes, his best interest is permeated by my ideals of what is good and why. So no, I don't think I am an awful person for setting standards I wish he would meet. But inevitably I learn how wrong I am about his complete inability to do what is right, loving, caring and responsible. Inevitably I see, through little windows that sometimes my brain opens, each and every little thing he does for our house, our family, our well-being, and even for the people we know. Inevitably I see through those windows, the feelings that I usually don't take the time to consider when deciding what I think is best for him. Haven't I always done that? Those windows often make me realize (not often enough) that the man I am so quick to judge in a negative light is the one without whom my life would spin out of control in ways I can't imagine. He is not a mirror image of me, nor should he be. He is not perfect, nor could he be. He and I might disagree in a number of ways what are the top priorities, but if we were just at agreement all the time, some things would just never get done, some subjects would never be talked about, we would not by any means make each other's life better, we would be nothing but shadows of each other, keeping each other company. He is a man that not only tries to make what is right for himself, but who is always looking out for us, and doing so with incessant love.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Planning and planners
I do believe I found something I really like to do and I am really good at - planning. I love to plan. I had a blast planning my wedding. I was absolutely absorbed by it and can't think of anything I liked more during m engagement with my husband.
After the wedding, planning was reduced to our budget, which I was put in charge of during our marriage-role planning. Hubby thought I did a good job as a saver, and I thought I really liked doing the whole financial planning. So we decided that I would be the person in charge of administering the money. I love it. It is not only about the control over what my husband does, which a lot of people could think of as the reason why I like to do it. Believe it or not, I could care less if my husband never told me how he spends his money. It is about the control over the future goals. I know that in so much time we will be able to spend so much money in such and such things. I know that by the end of such time our savings will have yielded so much percent. And I know exactly where the money to pay bills and groceries will come from. I have it all planned out. And my plans are virtually flawless.
Not saying that my organization skills are great. It weren't for Dean, my spreadsheet would look absolutely unintelligible to any human being. Sometimes making it userfriendly is not my strong suit. But making plans fool proof is my passion and my goal in life. Shortly after the wedding, I found myself other exciting planning activities - trips. Oh yes, trip plannings have become my new mania. Not only long vacation trips, but weekend get aways, day trips, get-togethers, all of this has become almost like a hobby to me.
The trip to California (which was our belated honeymoon), was super-carefully planned. Did the plans get followed literally? Not really; which goes to show that I am an awesome planner. But living is learning and I learned to plan to fool proof it against lack of plan-checking.
Not only the trip to Cali was carefully planned, but also the trip of my aunt and grandma to our home. Day by day, hour by hour. And from all that planning I learned that realistic time allotting is extremely important to plans. Another thing to improve. Again - Live and Learn.
I have now been planning 3 future trips and many small day trips, and the planning must go on.
I also like to plan my classes and I am always trying to adjust something that went wrong from last planning. Things don't go as great when I don't write down enough details. But they also don't go as great when I write too many details.
I am learning to find a balance.
It is fun to plan. It is also a life long learning experience, because I am always learning about something I can improve.
I love it.
I can not help but related it to God, the perfect planner, because He is the one that ultimately plans all things. He had my plans before I did, and he had also planned out the outcome of my plans - the ones that succeeded and the ones that failed. His plans never fail. And that is how come I know He is in absolute control, not me. His plans are so perfect that even when I try to mess with them by making up my own perfect plans, things still come up the way He planned. And I must accept and be thankful for them, because they truly are the best option possible.
May God grant me the grace to always accept His plans, even when that means that mine will be thwarted.
After the wedding, planning was reduced to our budget, which I was put in charge of during our marriage-role planning. Hubby thought I did a good job as a saver, and I thought I really liked doing the whole financial planning. So we decided that I would be the person in charge of administering the money. I love it. It is not only about the control over what my husband does, which a lot of people could think of as the reason why I like to do it. Believe it or not, I could care less if my husband never told me how he spends his money. It is about the control over the future goals. I know that in so much time we will be able to spend so much money in such and such things. I know that by the end of such time our savings will have yielded so much percent. And I know exactly where the money to pay bills and groceries will come from. I have it all planned out. And my plans are virtually flawless.
Not saying that my organization skills are great. It weren't for Dean, my spreadsheet would look absolutely unintelligible to any human being. Sometimes making it userfriendly is not my strong suit. But making plans fool proof is my passion and my goal in life. Shortly after the wedding, I found myself other exciting planning activities - trips. Oh yes, trip plannings have become my new mania. Not only long vacation trips, but weekend get aways, day trips, get-togethers, all of this has become almost like a hobby to me.
The trip to California (which was our belated honeymoon), was super-carefully planned. Did the plans get followed literally? Not really; which goes to show that I am an awesome planner. But living is learning and I learned to plan to fool proof it against lack of plan-checking.
Not only the trip to Cali was carefully planned, but also the trip of my aunt and grandma to our home. Day by day, hour by hour. And from all that planning I learned that realistic time allotting is extremely important to plans. Another thing to improve. Again - Live and Learn.
I have now been planning 3 future trips and many small day trips, and the planning must go on.
I also like to plan my classes and I am always trying to adjust something that went wrong from last planning. Things don't go as great when I don't write down enough details. But they also don't go as great when I write too many details.
I am learning to find a balance.
It is fun to plan. It is also a life long learning experience, because I am always learning about something I can improve.
I love it.
I can not help but related it to God, the perfect planner, because He is the one that ultimately plans all things. He had my plans before I did, and he had also planned out the outcome of my plans - the ones that succeeded and the ones that failed. His plans never fail. And that is how come I know He is in absolute control, not me. His plans are so perfect that even when I try to mess with them by making up my own perfect plans, things still come up the way He planned. And I must accept and be thankful for them, because they truly are the best option possible.
May God grant me the grace to always accept His plans, even when that means that mine will be thwarted.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
It Looks Like Christmas Outside
When the Winter arrived this year it had been snowing for 3 days straight.
It was a fine fluffy snow that made everything look very beautiful outside.
it was the first huge storm of the year. Before that we had some snow fall during the night 2 Sundays before, that was gone by noon. And 2 Sundays before that one, some snow fell during church, but it did not even leave its mark, for it melted right away.
the first real snow of the season started 2 days before the Winter arrived, and it continued throughout its arrival date.
As much as I don't like cold weather, as much as I hate driving in the snow, as much as I would love to be outside in T-shirt and put on my bikini for a day at the beach more than anything else in the world, I have to admit it -Winter did arrive with all its beauty and majesty, and it looks like Christmas outside.
It was a fine fluffy snow that made everything look very beautiful outside.
it was the first huge storm of the year. Before that we had some snow fall during the night 2 Sundays before, that was gone by noon. And 2 Sundays before that one, some snow fell during church, but it did not even leave its mark, for it melted right away.
the first real snow of the season started 2 days before the Winter arrived, and it continued throughout its arrival date.
As much as I don't like cold weather, as much as I hate driving in the snow, as much as I would love to be outside in T-shirt and put on my bikini for a day at the beach more than anything else in the world, I have to admit it -Winter did arrive with all its beauty and majesty, and it looks like Christmas outside.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Life Happened
Life is what happens to us while we make other plans... I am not sure if that was an A. Einstein sentence.
but that changed my life somewhat.
No, I am still a big time planner. But I frequently remind myself to live for the present.
The funny thing is, the plan I treasured the most my whole life has already happened. I just got married. And even though I still have so many plans and dreams, everything seems reachable now.
No I did not have the fancy wedding so many girls spend their lives planning (even though I am planning one for this coming August).
It was a simple ceremony, but it was indeed my wedding day.
Everything looked a little surreal on that day. And as I was saying the vows I was still trying to convince myself it was really happening.
Frequently my boyfriend and I referred to the fact that we felt like children, but we knew that people looked at us as adults. what now? Now he is my husband. I still feel like a child, and now I am a wife. Now there is no way anyone will not see me as an adult. Yikes! do I act any older than 17?
Life happened fast. my mind is still in my childhood and teenage games, but now they are real games.
the funny thing is, the kids who are real kids today think that whatever happened when I was a kid happened so long ago. really it was not that long. but when you're eight, 20 years ago is long enough to make up for an eternity. I know that because I was 8 once, and I remember 10 would never come.
well it doesn't really matter what everyone else feels about facts of my life. I'm still trapped in it. I'm still trapped in my games and dreams and blackmail and cheats and strategies to win the race. I like to think of everything as a game. And anything that is not a game is homework, and that is boring.
I'm still very much the same kid and every dream come true is just another toy to play with. and every thing that gets in the way is just another boring day of school.
But I am married now. Maybe that will make grow up. maybe one day I will feel like I am really an adult, the adult people might see when they look at me.
it feels so freaking funny, when people look at me and treat me as an adult. It feels like a make-believe game. I feel like I will go home and tell mom how I tricked this lady at the grocery store into letting me sign her credit card!!!!
Maybe ... if I repeat it enough it will happen. I will grow up. But I don't think I want to. I like being a kid. especially now that the world is my playground and dreams have begun to come true.
Now the fun has just begun. I really like being a kid, I think I will stay a kids for a little while longer.
but that changed my life somewhat.
No, I am still a big time planner. But I frequently remind myself to live for the present.
The funny thing is, the plan I treasured the most my whole life has already happened. I just got married. And even though I still have so many plans and dreams, everything seems reachable now.
No I did not have the fancy wedding so many girls spend their lives planning (even though I am planning one for this coming August).
It was a simple ceremony, but it was indeed my wedding day.
Everything looked a little surreal on that day. And as I was saying the vows I was still trying to convince myself it was really happening.
Frequently my boyfriend and I referred to the fact that we felt like children, but we knew that people looked at us as adults. what now? Now he is my husband. I still feel like a child, and now I am a wife. Now there is no way anyone will not see me as an adult. Yikes! do I act any older than 17?
Life happened fast. my mind is still in my childhood and teenage games, but now they are real games.
the funny thing is, the kids who are real kids today think that whatever happened when I was a kid happened so long ago. really it was not that long. but when you're eight, 20 years ago is long enough to make up for an eternity. I know that because I was 8 once, and I remember 10 would never come.
well it doesn't really matter what everyone else feels about facts of my life. I'm still trapped in it. I'm still trapped in my games and dreams and blackmail and cheats and strategies to win the race. I like to think of everything as a game. And anything that is not a game is homework, and that is boring.
I'm still very much the same kid and every dream come true is just another toy to play with. and every thing that gets in the way is just another boring day of school.
But I am married now. Maybe that will make grow up. maybe one day I will feel like I am really an adult, the adult people might see when they look at me.
it feels so freaking funny, when people look at me and treat me as an adult. It feels like a make-believe game. I feel like I will go home and tell mom how I tricked this lady at the grocery store into letting me sign her credit card!!!!
Maybe ... if I repeat it enough it will happen. I will grow up. But I don't think I want to. I like being a kid. especially now that the world is my playground and dreams have begun to come true.
Now the fun has just begun. I really like being a kid, I think I will stay a kids for a little while longer.
Friday, October 05, 2007
My prayer
I ask god for my health because of those who love me, not so much because of me.
Everytime I go out to work, everytime I feel something hurting, I just think of the people that care about me, and that would feel so much if they could never see me again.
I know I am now immortal, though I wish I can outlive anyone that will cry for me. I think of my mom... my 3 other moms, my little brother who idolizes me for some unknown reason, my big brother who cares in a very particular way, and my boyfriend - who drove 4 hours a day for 2 whole weeks when I was at the hospital.
Whenever I am driving, or taking the train, or walking on the dark, whenever I feel any sort of unidentified pain, it's for them that I worry. And it is for them that I pray. Please God, keep me safe so that my brother won't cry, and so my mom can talk to me just one more time, so that my boyfriend won't suffer for losing me. I am not important to anyone else, but to them I am so dear - I don't want to cause them this pain. I don't ask so much for me. but for them. I know if I die I will be with you, but being so far from the ones who love me, I just want them to know they can talk to me and see me, and that I am safe.
Keep them safe too. And this I ask for me. Because I love them so much, I don't want bad things to happen to them. Please, keep us safe, so we can see each other once more, and happy and healthy.
Everytime I go out to work, everytime I feel something hurting, I just think of the people that care about me, and that would feel so much if they could never see me again.
I know I am now immortal, though I wish I can outlive anyone that will cry for me. I think of my mom... my 3 other moms, my little brother who idolizes me for some unknown reason, my big brother who cares in a very particular way, and my boyfriend - who drove 4 hours a day for 2 whole weeks when I was at the hospital.
Whenever I am driving, or taking the train, or walking on the dark, whenever I feel any sort of unidentified pain, it's for them that I worry. And it is for them that I pray. Please God, keep me safe so that my brother won't cry, and so my mom can talk to me just one more time, so that my boyfriend won't suffer for losing me. I am not important to anyone else, but to them I am so dear - I don't want to cause them this pain. I don't ask so much for me. but for them. I know if I die I will be with you, but being so far from the ones who love me, I just want them to know they can talk to me and see me, and that I am safe.
Keep them safe too. And this I ask for me. Because I love them so much, I don't want bad things to happen to them. Please, keep us safe, so we can see each other once more, and happy and healthy.
Friday, September 07, 2007
it was 11 years ago today.
11 years ago
I lived in Feira de Santana
I was in my last year of high school
I was 17 and I had so many dreams.
And on this day I was going to Sao Rafael hospital, dressed in one of my favorite dresses, after making sure the new baby's room was ready for him.
11 years ago, that little kid entered my life, stole my heart away.
11 years have gone by - baby, toddler, little boy. 11 years ago he was born. Now he is almost a teenager. it is so hard to believe it.
I lived in Feira de Santana
I was in my last year of high school
I was 17 and I had so many dreams.
And on this day I was going to Sao Rafael hospital, dressed in one of my favorite dresses, after making sure the new baby's room was ready for him.
11 years ago, that little kid entered my life, stole my heart away.
11 years have gone by - baby, toddler, little boy. 11 years ago he was born. Now he is almost a teenager. it is so hard to believe it.
big crush
Big news is Renee Zellweger has a
big crush on Paul McCartney and she is so
big time embarrassed of saying it!
Big deal! I also have a
big crush on Paul. Who
big-freaking doesn't ?
big crush on Paul McCartney and she is so
big time embarrassed of saying it!
Big deal! I also have a
big crush on Paul. Who
big-freaking doesn't ?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
does it matter?
I guess what makes me a grown-up is that now people think what I do or say matters. Even though I am not sure half of what I say or do is really good for anything. Most of the times I am just copying other grown-ups I have come across. A lot of times I am copying teenagers I 've come across. A lot of times I am just trying to sound normal, you know, fit in. That's why I copy. Right? Isn't that why you copy your classmate's homework? To pass by a normal student?
A thought really just frightened me... since what I do now matters, then someone will eventually copy me? I am not sure I am copying material here.
Is it just me or are we all copying? Soooo! So the world is a big prented game and we're all playing grown-ups like we saw our grown-ups do before us!? And they... they were also playing pretend!? Oh, ok, I think I want my mommy now.
A thought really just frightened me... since what I do now matters, then someone will eventually copy me? I am not sure I am copying material here.
Is it just me or are we all copying? Soooo! So the world is a big prented game and we're all playing grown-ups like we saw our grown-ups do before us!? And they... they were also playing pretend!? Oh, ok, I think I want my mommy now.
Let's go back
I've been reading about Paul mcCcartney and that somehow took me in a trip back to the past. Back to the little fiction novel I wrote about the Beatles some 15 years ago.
It's a little scary when I think about it... 15 years ago? I was 12. Has it really been that long? How come I don't feel that way? But when I really think about it, it has been that long. So much has happened. And the last 3 years of my life have been such a blur. Coming to the U.S. , leaving so much behind, did something to me. Something I am not sure I like. Time went by even faster! It goes by too fast when you're alone, I figure.
It is funny how I spent so many years trying to be a grown-up and now I feel like I am the same kid I have always been. And I enjoy that kid much more than the grown-up thing. And yet, it seems like I am indeed a grown-up to the rest of the world. ... gee, that's confusing.
I enjoy being silly, watching cartoons, going to Six Flags and Cedar Point, swinging in the swingset. I love telling jokes and eating popcorn, watching scary movies and going to the mall to watch people. Love talking silly and pretending "I am not your friend anymore". I am still the same kid that can only think about the food court as soon as I set foot at the mall, I still crave for attention but want to run away when all eyes are on me. Still intimidated by anyone older than 17, cuz they're all so much smarter than me! And thank goodness I have a boyfriend, cuz I am still cluesless about how to get one!
I guess what makes me a grown-up is that even though I still like all those things I can't do them as much bc so much stuff gets in the way now. All the stuff I've always wanted to be part of my life is now a big burden I have to deal with. For so long I longed for reality to free me from my world of dreams. Now I am locked up in reality and can't go back.
Life's worries sort of took the place of something I've always resorted to so often. There was a place I used to go to inside my mind filled with anything I wanted. I don't go there that often anymore. Quite honestly, I am not sure I can still open the door to that place. Absent-minded as I am I guess I locked the door with a huge lock to make sure nothing would do it harm, and I ended up losing the freaking key. I don't create much anymore. And reality is so boring, like and old black and white silent movie. Without Fantasia to resort to, it is pretty much the Kingdom of Nothing, where all kids die of boredom by 24.
I wish I was inside my book, so I could really go back in time.
It's a little scary when I think about it... 15 years ago? I was 12. Has it really been that long? How come I don't feel that way? But when I really think about it, it has been that long. So much has happened. And the last 3 years of my life have been such a blur. Coming to the U.S. , leaving so much behind, did something to me. Something I am not sure I like. Time went by even faster! It goes by too fast when you're alone, I figure.
It is funny how I spent so many years trying to be a grown-up and now I feel like I am the same kid I have always been. And I enjoy that kid much more than the grown-up thing. And yet, it seems like I am indeed a grown-up to the rest of the world. ... gee, that's confusing.
I enjoy being silly, watching cartoons, going to Six Flags and Cedar Point, swinging in the swingset. I love telling jokes and eating popcorn, watching scary movies and going to the mall to watch people. Love talking silly and pretending "I am not your friend anymore". I am still the same kid that can only think about the food court as soon as I set foot at the mall, I still crave for attention but want to run away when all eyes are on me. Still intimidated by anyone older than 17, cuz they're all so much smarter than me! And thank goodness I have a boyfriend, cuz I am still cluesless about how to get one!
I guess what makes me a grown-up is that even though I still like all those things I can't do them as much bc so much stuff gets in the way now. All the stuff I've always wanted to be part of my life is now a big burden I have to deal with. For so long I longed for reality to free me from my world of dreams. Now I am locked up in reality and can't go back.
Life's worries sort of took the place of something I've always resorted to so often. There was a place I used to go to inside my mind filled with anything I wanted. I don't go there that often anymore. Quite honestly, I am not sure I can still open the door to that place. Absent-minded as I am I guess I locked the door with a huge lock to make sure nothing would do it harm, and I ended up losing the freaking key. I don't create much anymore. And reality is so boring, like and old black and white silent movie. Without Fantasia to resort to, it is pretty much the Kingdom of Nothing, where all kids die of boredom by 24.
I wish I was inside my book, so I could really go back in time.
Friday, May 11, 2007
the green is back
it took a while.
April had snow storms.
I was beginning to think Spring would never arrive.
but a couple of weeks ago I could finally see green dots on the tips of the trees branches. And the thermometer finally began to stabilize above 60 F.
yes, Spring is finally here.
I am glad winter is gone. it won't be missed.
April had snow storms.
I was beginning to think Spring would never arrive.
but a couple of weeks ago I could finally see green dots on the tips of the trees branches. And the thermometer finally began to stabilize above 60 F.
yes, Spring is finally here.
I am glad winter is gone. it won't be missed.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Remembering Ayrton Senna da Silva
May 1st, 1994.
it was 13 years ago. it was Sunday. And on that morning something happened that would change my world. As well and the world of thousands of fellow Brazilians.
Our hero, Ayrton Senna died.
I can still re-live the moments of that tragic Sunday.
It was my first year living in Feira de Santana. I was at aunt Inaja's house. Getting ready for church with mom and my brother.
Like any other Sunday morning in which Senna had a race, i would get dressed in front of the TV.
And as I got dressed i saw the fatal crash.
I got upset. it hadn't been a good season for Senna so far. I remember announcing, "let's hope that Allan Proste crashes too."
But then a funny uncomfortable feeling began to spread within.
"Guys, why is there so much blood on the ground? Where are the doctors? Why is he not moving? Mom, he's not moving."
The doctors finally came; and then it was time to leave for church.
Well, I thought the doctors woudl take care of it, though I did think it was something serious by then, something that would probably ruin that year season.
Back at home for the whole afternoon we watched for newsflashes.
It was at around 5 pm that we heard a broken-hearted Globo TV reporter say "Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead - news I wish I never had to give - Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead."
And we cried.
That was it. The dream was over. Our hero, our myth, our idol was dead. If someone ever asks me for a landmark, this is it: "Ayrton Senna da Silva [the man who was proud of Brazil and made Brazil proud of him] is dead." And a whole way of organizing the world ended right there. My childhood ended right there. it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter with a few less dreams, and few more thoughts that life was not so magic or eternal after all. Now there was also death - and death was real.
13 years ago today. Sunday. We will never forget.
it was 13 years ago. it was Sunday. And on that morning something happened that would change my world. As well and the world of thousands of fellow Brazilians.
Our hero, Ayrton Senna died.
I can still re-live the moments of that tragic Sunday.
It was my first year living in Feira de Santana. I was at aunt Inaja's house. Getting ready for church with mom and my brother.
Like any other Sunday morning in which Senna had a race, i would get dressed in front of the TV.
And as I got dressed i saw the fatal crash.
I got upset. it hadn't been a good season for Senna so far. I remember announcing, "let's hope that Allan Proste crashes too."
But then a funny uncomfortable feeling began to spread within.
"Guys, why is there so much blood on the ground? Where are the doctors? Why is he not moving? Mom, he's not moving."
The doctors finally came; and then it was time to leave for church.
Well, I thought the doctors woudl take care of it, though I did think it was something serious by then, something that would probably ruin that year season.
Back at home for the whole afternoon we watched for newsflashes.
It was at around 5 pm that we heard a broken-hearted Globo TV reporter say "Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead - news I wish I never had to give - Ayrton Senna da Silva is dead."
And we cried.
That was it. The dream was over. Our hero, our myth, our idol was dead. If someone ever asks me for a landmark, this is it: "Ayrton Senna da Silva [the man who was proud of Brazil and made Brazil proud of him] is dead." And a whole way of organizing the world ended right there. My childhood ended right there. it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter with a few less dreams, and few more thoughts that life was not so magic or eternal after all. Now there was also death - and death was real.
13 years ago today. Sunday. We will never forget.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Dragged to death
I can't find words. I can't let go either. What happened so deeply attacks my humanity that I just can't help feeling robbed of something very precious. Maybe dignity. I lay my head on the pillow and I can't fall asleep. I wish I could never smile again. How can we have gone so low?
All I can say is that I do not have the words to describe such monstrosity. Or how I am feeling now. A couple of teenagers carjacked a family in Rio, but only the mother and her 12 year-old girl were able to leave the car. The little 6 year old boy got stuck to the seat belt, on the outside of the car. The monsters zigzagged the car for about 4 miles, dragging the little kid along, in an attempt to get rid of him, only to abandon the car and the boy's lifeless body in some deserted road and run away.
It has been reported that passers-by and drivers yelled and honked at them begging them to stop the car, but, of course, in vain.
"Lord God of the disfavored, " making mine poet Castro Alves' words, "tell me, Lord God, if is madness... or is it true so much horror under the heavens."
It's 3 am. I can't sleep tonight. I can't get my mind off of the terrible moments that mother and sister went through, feeling so completely powerless and torn. Or off of the horror that little boy went through on the seconds before his death. And off of those monsters! I hope they die a very cruel death in jail. Because even criminals have moral standards that are attacked by such atrocity.
How can anyone kill a defenseless child is already hard to understand. How can anyone drag a little boy to death, not for revenge or any thing that would make it explainable. Bad enough but explainable. But to rob a car. How can respect for human life have fallen so far down the pit!
The freaks, the monsters, they been caught. They will go to jail. And thanks to the 1001 flaws in our judicial system, they will be out in no longer than 6 years, maybe as little as 3. One of them, under-aged, is protected by so many laws and will be out in the streets again by the time he is 20, his whole life ahead of him, a mind filled with hatred and all the tricks learned at the juvenile hall.
Little 6 y.o. Joao Fernandes will never see the sunrise again. His mom will never hear his voice again, never able to hug him or feel his little hand in hers. Never even able to be angry at him for some foolish boyish misbehavior. She will never see her son grown up, because he no longer exists. And those awful moments will forever be in her mind. The bitter feeling of not being able to do anything as you watch your child die.
My mom and I have been mugged once and dragged down the hill that lead to our condo. I still remember the feeling of panic. It's dark, you heart pumping super fast, not knowing what will happen next, your worst fears can't find a way to express themselves, you try to scream but nothing comes out of your mouth! A second ago everything was fine. And then you watch them run away with your pocket book. Thank God, we're alive.
Last Wednesday night, I can only imagine, those familiar feelings of mine were the same shared by the Fernandes family. But their worst fears did come true.
As his coffin went down, yesterday afternoon, at Jardim da Saudade graveyard, his sister could not help the words, "I am sorry I could not save you, brother."
When we talk about total depravity at church, i always think of lies, sexual impurity, drugs and robbery. you would wish even the worst human being would still be careful towards a little child, or a defenseless family. It feels like there should be a limit, and yet, you come across things like that.
.... And yet, God loved us.
------ In Portuguese:
Não consigo achar as palavras. Nem tampouco consigo esquecer. O ocorrido tão profundamente ataca minha humanidade que não posso evitar sentir-me roubada de algo muito precioso. Dignidade talvez. Deito minha cabeça no travesseiro e não consigo adormecer. Queria jamais poder sorri novamente. Como podemos ter chegado tão baixo?
Tudo que posso dizer é que não tenho palavras para descrever tamanha monstruosidade. Ou como estou me sentindo agora. Dois adolescentes roubaram o carro de uma família no Rio, mas apenas a mãe e sua filha de 13 anos conseguiram sair do carro. O garotinho de 6 anos ficou preso ao sinto de segurança pelo lado de fora do carro. Os monstros ziguezaguearam com o carro por cerca de 7 QUILÔMETROS, arrastando a criança com eles, na tentativa de livraram-se dela, para simplesmente abandonar o carro e o corpo sem vida da criança, logo depois numa rua deserta e fugirem.
Foi reportado que transeuntes e motoristas gritavam e buzinavam implorando para que eles parassem, mas, obviamente, em vão.
"Senhor Deus dos Desgraçados, " faço minhas as palavras do poeta, "dizei-me vós, Senhor Deus, se é loucura... ou se é verdade tanto horror perante os céus."
São 3 da manhã. Não consigo dormir. Não consigo tirar a cabeça dos terríveis momentos que aquela mãe e irmã viveram, sentido-se tão impotentes de roubadas. Ou do horror pelo qual passou aquele menininho nos segundos que antecederam sua morte. Nem daqueles monstros! Espero que eles morram uma morte bem cruel na cadeia. POrque mesmo criminosos tem padrões morais que foram atacados por tal atrocidade.
Já é difícil de entender como alguém pode matar uma criança indefesa. Como alguém pode arrastar um garotinho até a morte, não por vingança ou algo assim, que fizesse a coisa ao menos explicável. Muito ruim, mas explicável. Mas para roubar um carro! Como pode o respeito pela vida humana ter caído tão fundo nesse poço?
As aberrações, os monstros, foram presos. Irão para a prisão. Mas graças às 1001 falhas do nosso sistema judicial, estarão nas ruas em não mais de 6 anos, talvez até mesmo em 3. Um deles, menor, é protegido por um sem-número de leis e estará de volta às ruas antes dos 20, com tuoda sua vida pela frente, uma mente cheia de ódio e todas as artimanhas aprendidas no reformatório.
O pequeno João Fernandes nunca mais verá o sol nascer. Sua mãe jamais ouvirá sua voz outra vez, jamais poderá abraça-lo ou sentir sua mãozinha na dela. Jamais poderá sequer ficar aborrecida com ele por alguma desobediência boba de menino. Ela nunca verá seu filho crescer, pois ele não mais existe. E aqueles momentos horríveis estarão para sempre em sua mente. O amargo sentimento de não poder fazer nada ao assistir seu filho morrer.
Minha mãe e eu fomos assaltadas certa vez, e arrastadas na ladeira que levava a nosso apartamento. Ainda lembro o sentimento de pânico. Está escuro, seu coração a mil por hora, sem saber o que vai acontecer em seguida, seus medos mais terríveis não conseguem se expressar, você tenta gritar mas nada sai de sua boca! A um segundo atrás estava tudo bem. E então você os vê correndo com sua bolsa. Graças a Deus, estamos vivas.
Quarta passada, posso apenas imaginar, aqueles sentimentos conhecidos foram compartilhados pela família Fernandes. Mas seus piores medos tornaram-se reais.
Ao ver seu caixão descer, ontem a tarde no Jardim da Saudade no Rio, sua irmão não pode evitar as palavras, "Desculpa não ter podido te salvar, irmão."
All I can say is that I do not have the words to describe such monstrosity. Or how I am feeling now. A couple of teenagers carjacked a family in Rio, but only the mother and her 12 year-old girl were able to leave the car. The little 6 year old boy got stuck to the seat belt, on the outside of the car. The monsters zigzagged the car for about 4 miles, dragging the little kid along, in an attempt to get rid of him, only to abandon the car and the boy's lifeless body in some deserted road and run away.
It has been reported that passers-by and drivers yelled and honked at them begging them to stop the car, but, of course, in vain.
"Lord God of the disfavored, " making mine poet Castro Alves' words, "tell me, Lord God, if is madness... or is it true so much horror under the heavens."
It's 3 am. I can't sleep tonight. I can't get my mind off of the terrible moments that mother and sister went through, feeling so completely powerless and torn. Or off of the horror that little boy went through on the seconds before his death. And off of those monsters! I hope they die a very cruel death in jail. Because even criminals have moral standards that are attacked by such atrocity.
How can anyone kill a defenseless child is already hard to understand. How can anyone drag a little boy to death, not for revenge or any thing that would make it explainable. Bad enough but explainable. But to rob a car. How can respect for human life have fallen so far down the pit!
The freaks, the monsters, they been caught. They will go to jail. And thanks to the 1001 flaws in our judicial system, they will be out in no longer than 6 years, maybe as little as 3. One of them, under-aged, is protected by so many laws and will be out in the streets again by the time he is 20, his whole life ahead of him, a mind filled with hatred and all the tricks learned at the juvenile hall.
Little 6 y.o. Joao Fernandes will never see the sunrise again. His mom will never hear his voice again, never able to hug him or feel his little hand in hers. Never even able to be angry at him for some foolish boyish misbehavior. She will never see her son grown up, because he no longer exists. And those awful moments will forever be in her mind. The bitter feeling of not being able to do anything as you watch your child die.
My mom and I have been mugged once and dragged down the hill that lead to our condo. I still remember the feeling of panic. It's dark, you heart pumping super fast, not knowing what will happen next, your worst fears can't find a way to express themselves, you try to scream but nothing comes out of your mouth! A second ago everything was fine. And then you watch them run away with your pocket book. Thank God, we're alive.
Last Wednesday night, I can only imagine, those familiar feelings of mine were the same shared by the Fernandes family. But their worst fears did come true.
As his coffin went down, yesterday afternoon, at Jardim da Saudade graveyard, his sister could not help the words, "I am sorry I could not save you, brother."
When we talk about total depravity at church, i always think of lies, sexual impurity, drugs and robbery. you would wish even the worst human being would still be careful towards a little child, or a defenseless family. It feels like there should be a limit, and yet, you come across things like that.
.... And yet, God loved us.
------ In Portuguese:
Não consigo achar as palavras. Nem tampouco consigo esquecer. O ocorrido tão profundamente ataca minha humanidade que não posso evitar sentir-me roubada de algo muito precioso. Dignidade talvez. Deito minha cabeça no travesseiro e não consigo adormecer. Queria jamais poder sorri novamente. Como podemos ter chegado tão baixo?
Tudo que posso dizer é que não tenho palavras para descrever tamanha monstruosidade. Ou como estou me sentindo agora. Dois adolescentes roubaram o carro de uma família no Rio, mas apenas a mãe e sua filha de 13 anos conseguiram sair do carro. O garotinho de 6 anos ficou preso ao sinto de segurança pelo lado de fora do carro. Os monstros ziguezaguearam com o carro por cerca de 7 QUILÔMETROS, arrastando a criança com eles, na tentativa de livraram-se dela, para simplesmente abandonar o carro e o corpo sem vida da criança, logo depois numa rua deserta e fugirem.
Foi reportado que transeuntes e motoristas gritavam e buzinavam implorando para que eles parassem, mas, obviamente, em vão.
"Senhor Deus dos Desgraçados, " faço minhas as palavras do poeta, "dizei-me vós, Senhor Deus, se é loucura... ou se é verdade tanto horror perante os céus."
São 3 da manhã. Não consigo dormir. Não consigo tirar a cabeça dos terríveis momentos que aquela mãe e irmã viveram, sentido-se tão impotentes de roubadas. Ou do horror pelo qual passou aquele menininho nos segundos que antecederam sua morte. Nem daqueles monstros! Espero que eles morram uma morte bem cruel na cadeia. POrque mesmo criminosos tem padrões morais que foram atacados por tal atrocidade.
Já é difícil de entender como alguém pode matar uma criança indefesa. Como alguém pode arrastar um garotinho até a morte, não por vingança ou algo assim, que fizesse a coisa ao menos explicável. Muito ruim, mas explicável. Mas para roubar um carro! Como pode o respeito pela vida humana ter caído tão fundo nesse poço?
As aberrações, os monstros, foram presos. Irão para a prisão. Mas graças às 1001 falhas do nosso sistema judicial, estarão nas ruas em não mais de 6 anos, talvez até mesmo em 3. Um deles, menor, é protegido por um sem-número de leis e estará de volta às ruas antes dos 20, com tuoda sua vida pela frente, uma mente cheia de ódio e todas as artimanhas aprendidas no reformatório.
O pequeno João Fernandes nunca mais verá o sol nascer. Sua mãe jamais ouvirá sua voz outra vez, jamais poderá abraça-lo ou sentir sua mãozinha na dela. Jamais poderá sequer ficar aborrecida com ele por alguma desobediência boba de menino. Ela nunca verá seu filho crescer, pois ele não mais existe. E aqueles momentos horríveis estarão para sempre em sua mente. O amargo sentimento de não poder fazer nada ao assistir seu filho morrer.
Minha mãe e eu fomos assaltadas certa vez, e arrastadas na ladeira que levava a nosso apartamento. Ainda lembro o sentimento de pânico. Está escuro, seu coração a mil por hora, sem saber o que vai acontecer em seguida, seus medos mais terríveis não conseguem se expressar, você tenta gritar mas nada sai de sua boca! A um segundo atrás estava tudo bem. E então você os vê correndo com sua bolsa. Graças a Deus, estamos vivas.
Quarta passada, posso apenas imaginar, aqueles sentimentos conhecidos foram compartilhados pela família Fernandes. Mas seus piores medos tornaram-se reais.
Ao ver seu caixão descer, ontem a tarde no Jardim da Saudade no Rio, sua irmão não pode evitar as palavras, "Desculpa não ter podido te salvar, irmão."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
when there was me and you
It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care
I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you
I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song
Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care
I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you
I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song
Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Meaning
Things seem to not have meaning anymore. I sit alone at home and I am not sure what is going on. Too much time in my hands, too many things I would like to do. No one to share all of these. My boyfriend seems to be the only person I can count on, for everything. Isn't there something wrong with that?
I don't have co-workers or classmates or students. I don't have a group of friends at church, the one place I always thought of as the place I'd meet my best friends - I don't feel like I belong there. The only church related thing I have been doing lately is tithing. I don't even feel like I am serving God. It gets really lonely when there's no point in anything. Even my dreams, that were always so real to me, are getting foggy and distant.
It was never meant to be like that.
I don't have co-workers or classmates or students. I don't have a group of friends at church, the one place I always thought of as the place I'd meet my best friends - I don't feel like I belong there. The only church related thing I have been doing lately is tithing. I don't even feel like I am serving God. It gets really lonely when there's no point in anything. Even my dreams, that were always so real to me, are getting foggy and distant.
It was never meant to be like that.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
all gone
Now the leaves are all gone from the trees. they will not come back till spring. So that is what the trees will look like till March. Bare. I will miss the green.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
till morning
I had seen it happen before. Something was killing people, it was some sort of curse. Turning them into living dead. And it was in a small town, in the middle of nothing.
I had fled to another town and it was dusk when I got to the woods nearby. Some people came too. As we heard pretty much the same thing I had heard before, I knew it was going to happen again.
I tryied to warn the few people that were with me but they did not believe me. So instead of staying to see what would happen for that dreadful night, I figured if I stayed away from the crazy dumb crowd that likes to get killed by mesterious forces I would just check myself into a hotel nearby and wait till morning. Every curse goes away by morning, right.
Morning came too late.
Some one had seen me running down to the hotel. there were two ofthem only in that small town. I got to one of them and there were already people there to see the phenonmenon. What were they dumb?
The rooms were not exactly private. for each apt you had a common den and then doors to some 9 suites. That wasn't good. I knew it like to go after gatherings of people. The folks in my apt were friendly, but I knew that if we stayed awake it would soon come after us.
I saw myself of to my suite that ...had no wall separating me from this room were a mother and her little boy were staying!?!?! What a cheap prick gave me the key to that room! I had asked for a room not a freaking dorm!
But before I could get to bed, the thing hit the hotel. "It is here!" some one hollered. but there was no need, we heard the screams. getting out of there was hell, but I made it - not unnoticed though.
I tried checking into the hotel next door, but they were all dead. So I ran. The freaks chasing me up and down the cobblestone roads. I found the store of a man I had met in the hotel. He and his only employee were hiding there and I begged for mercy. He let me in and locked the gates back.
But it found us. It came through the gates. There was no hope left. And morning never came.
I had fled to another town and it was dusk when I got to the woods nearby. Some people came too. As we heard pretty much the same thing I had heard before, I knew it was going to happen again.
I tryied to warn the few people that were with me but they did not believe me. So instead of staying to see what would happen for that dreadful night, I figured if I stayed away from the crazy dumb crowd that likes to get killed by mesterious forces I would just check myself into a hotel nearby and wait till morning. Every curse goes away by morning, right.
Morning came too late.
Some one had seen me running down to the hotel. there were two ofthem only in that small town. I got to one of them and there were already people there to see the phenonmenon. What were they dumb?
The rooms were not exactly private. for each apt you had a common den and then doors to some 9 suites. That wasn't good. I knew it like to go after gatherings of people. The folks in my apt were friendly, but I knew that if we stayed awake it would soon come after us.
I saw myself of to my suite that ...had no wall separating me from this room were a mother and her little boy were staying!?!?! What a cheap prick gave me the key to that room! I had asked for a room not a freaking dorm!
But before I could get to bed, the thing hit the hotel. "It is here!" some one hollered. but there was no need, we heard the screams. getting out of there was hell, but I made it - not unnoticed though.
I tried checking into the hotel next door, but they were all dead. So I ran. The freaks chasing me up and down the cobblestone roads. I found the store of a man I had met in the hotel. He and his only employee were hiding there and I begged for mercy. He let me in and locked the gates back.
But it found us. It came through the gates. There was no hope left. And morning never came.
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